Country memories: Do I ever cross your mind?
by Tigeroo
Summary: Alex is still in WP, living in Kansas. Through her discovery of country music she remembers her past relationship with Olivia.


**Country memories - Do I ever cross your mind? (by Dolly Parton)  
**

This is an idea I had while listening to my iPod while I was cooking. Alex is still in WP, living in Kansas. Through her discovery of country music she remembers her past relationship with Olivia. This could be the beginning of a series of songfic one-shots, depending on the feed-back from you guys.

Disclaimer: I own neither SVU nor the lyrics of the song, I just take them out for a spin and bring them back unhurt, I promise.

**--**

Jenna Mitchell formerly known as Alex Cabot was sitting at her kitchen table, peeling potatoes. The radio was stuck on a country station and Jenna was whistling to the sound of steel guitars. Now, Alex Cabot would have never been caught dead listening to anything remotely close to country, folk, Americana, or Rockabilly, but since Alex Cabot actually had died, at least on paper, Jenna Mitchell had developed quite a liking to this kind of music.

"_Well, it's hard not to"_', Alex mused with a rueful grin, remembering her desperate and futile attempts to find another radio station at the beginning of her stay. Of course she could simply listen to web radio or her iPod, but somehow it felt good to turn on the historic radio on the windowsill that the last tenant must have forgotten, kind of homey.

After her brief reappearance in New York she had had to relocate, trading Emily and Wisconsin against Jenna and Kansas. Not that she had minded, in fact, she had been rather glad to ditch both, her lousy job and her claims adjuster, especially after seeing the look on Olivia's face when she had mentioned him.

Olivia... Alex sighed. The thought of the brunette detective still made her insides burn. At the beginning of her time in witness protection she thought about nothing else. She could barely get out of bed to get to her job at the insurance. When she came home she went to bed, curling into a ball and crying for hours. After a couple of weeks though she only felt numb. It wasn't like the pain was fading, she simply couldn't feel it anymore because it was too much. She started to go out more, meeting new people, doing her job, not thinking, not feeling. When she went to New York for the trial the never properly healed wound was torn open again. Suddenly all the feelings came back full-force, and even though the pain nearly suffocated her, it was also the most alive she had felt in nearly two years. Saying good-bye again had been nearly impossible, so she didn't. She just sat inside the car, letting the FBI agent in charge drive her away while Hammond dealt with the detectives. She had felt like a coward, but she knew, she would never have left if she had to face Olivia while doing so.

This time she had expected the pain that enveloped her on the first night in her new house. She had allowed herself to suffer for two weeks, then she decided to take charge of her life. She couldn't change her situation. She would never be able to return to New York unless Velez was caught or dead. She prayed to every deity that might be listening that the day would come, but until then she would need to live again. After all, she was still alive, so she refused to let the drug lord win.

So she tried to be more open to her new colleagues at the community college, became a member of the faculty track team, got to know her neighbours. After a while she even started to enjoy her small town life, it was so much calmer and more peaceful than in the city. She knew the employees at the supermarket by name, she was invited to birthday parties and community fairs, and her job involved healthy and happy students, not battered and broken children on the worst day of their lives. Of course she wanted nothing more than to return to her old life, her old city, her old job, and the love of her life. But at least her life as Jenna Mitchell was somewhat bearable. While she wasn't happy, she was at least content.

No more self-pitying, she had promised herself. But even with her iron determination it had been hard. Thoughts about Olivia, about the love they had shared were constantly on her mind. The smallest things would trigger flashbacks of something Olivia had said or done, to moments they had spent together. She would see a short-haired brunette, smell a hot-dog, or listen to a ball game, and suddenly she would think that the detective was right there. But even taking the trash out or ironing her shirts could make Olivia's image pop up in front of her inner eye, remembering her lover complaining about doing mundane housework tasks when they could be doing so much more interesting things.

One day she had been in her freshly weeded garden when she had remembered their plans to one day move into their own house with garden. The ghost feeling of Olivia's lips on her neck, describing the flowers and bushes she would plant, and the wooden bench she would put up in a secluded corner, had been so overwhelming that she had been frozen in place, not moving for nearly 20 minutes, finally being shaken out of her stupor by the heavy rain that had started to fall.

This was the day that she had made a pact with herself while sitting on her couch and listening to the radio: she would banish the detective out of her mind during her daily life. But since her emotions and the memories of her former lover were often triggered by music she would allow them whenever she was listening to country music. Then and only then would she indulge in the memory of what she had lost. After all, they do say that it's the music of pain...

Needless to say that from there on the radio was playing almost constantly when Alex was alone at her home. But it helped her focus whenever she was out.

Alex put the potatoes on the stove and turned it on. She then grabbed a handful of carrots and sat down again. When she began to peel them, a new song began to play.

_Oh, sometimes I go walking through fields where we walked  
Long ago in the sweet used to be  
And the flowers still grow, but they don't smell as sweet  
As they did when you picked them for me_

She remembered the day like it was yesterday. They had driven upstate to the Cabot's summer residence. They had had the whole house for themselves, only Peter the trusted housekeeper had dropped by occasionally to do some garden work or bring by food. It had been an extraordinary warm day for May, and she had pestered Olivia to go for a walk with her.

"But Alex, I have to chase down perps each day, why can't we just enjoy a lazy day in the garden?", Olivia had pouted.

Alex had to bite back her laugh at the sight of her mature girlfriend looking like a petulant child.

"Honey, chasing after perps is not the same as going for a walk. It'll relax you. Besides, this is the countryside, the only nature you ever see is Central Park. So try to enjoy it.", she had soothed.

Olivia had indeed enjoyed it. Once she had started to open her eyes to the beauty surrounding her, she had been like a kid, running around in circles around Alex, pointing out birds and flowers. They had eaten a picnic lunch on a blanket in a meadow. Afterwards, Alex had rested on the blanket, while Olivia went for a quick stroll. When she had come back and dropped next to a nearly sleeping Alex she had picked a beautiful bouquet of wild flowers. The blonde had rested her head on Olivia's shoulder, occasionally sniffing her flowers and telling the detective about the summer's she had spent there as a child.

There where quite a few happy days the two of them had shared, but this day had without any doubt been perfect.

_And when I think of you and the love we once knew  
How I wish we could go back in time  
Do you ever think back on old memories like that  
Or do I ever cross your mind_

Did she? Did Olivia think about her? They had barely had time to talk when Alex had come back to New York. And telling Olivia about Jeremy had not been the greatest idea, sure, but she had wanted to see a reaction. Anything to see whether the detective still cared about her. The devastated look in the brunette's eyes had been a good enough clue, and Alex had immediately regretted the pain she had caused the detective. But what now? Another two years had passed, had Olivia finally decided to move on? Was she seeing anyone special? Maybe that redhead Casey. She wouldn't blame her. She wished that Olivia could be happy without her, but deep down she still hoped she would be missed.

_Do you ever wake up lonely in the middle of the night  
Because you miss me, do you darling  
Oh, and do your memories ever take  
You back into another place in time  
And do you ever miss the feelings  
And the love we shared when you were with me, tell me darling  
I just wonder, do I cross your mind_

Olivia had once told her "Whenever I forget the time at work, and I think about whether it's OK to come over to your place and maybe wake you when I get into bed I think about my own apartment and I know that I'd rather sleep on your couch than with half of New York between us."

She remembered the nightmares that often plagued the detective, after gruesome cases or when she remembered her mother. They had spent many nights curled up together, crying, soothing, being there for each other. None of them had ever felt so loved and cherished before. Alex knew that her last night in Manhattan had been the last time she had felt this secure. What about Olivia, was there someone else to chase the nightmares away, or did she still sleepily reach for a lover that was long gone?

_Oh, how often I wish that again I could kiss  
Your sweet lips like I did long ago  
And how often I long for those two loving arms  
That once held me so gentle and close _

Once more being wrapped in the strong, leather encased arms, yes, there was nothing Alex longed for more. Maybe one day...

_And when I think of you and the love we once knew  
How I wish we could go back in time  
Do you ever recall these old memories at all  
Or do I ever cross your mind_


End file.
